


Holding On To You

by beatosuffers



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friendship, Matsuura Kanan/Ohara Mari - Freeform, im supposed to be doing my school work but i ended up doing this, kanamari, kananmari
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-16 01:16:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8081023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beatosuffers/pseuds/beatosuffers
Summary: Kanan still hasn't forgiven herself.





	

Kanan sighs for the umpteenth time today. She took the boat out and sailed somewhere far enough so that people won't see her to go swim and clear her head after a hard day's work at the diving shop.

Swimming in the ocean  _alone_ didn't help at all. Her thoughts became louder and her head feels heavier, when was the last time going out at the sea actually helped her? She loves the ocean, she really does, she loves swimming, she likes being one with the water but these past few months it felt like the things she used to love and love doing seems to take a toll on her.

Kanan dives her head in the water and blew out bubbles out of anger at herself. She resurfaced after a while and puts her hands on the side of her face.

"Snap out of it Kanan, Mari forgives you, you're both okay now, she forgives you, you don't have to worry." her brows furrowed and her lips started to quiver because no matter how many times she repeats those words, the guilt she still feels are still there- forever haunting her.

The blue-haired girl feels her tears come out of the corner of her but quickly wipes them away. "Stop crying, this is all your fault in the first place, stop being so selfish damn it." 

"Why didn't I just talked to her back then? Why did I pushed her away and made her do something she doesn't even want to?" Kanan muttered, she couldn't help stop the tears anymore and just let it flow.

It's been a while since Kanan and Mari have reunited, she thought it was all okay now. They've been hanging out a lot like nothing has happened and Mari would always come by at her house late at night just so they could cuddle, just like old times. Kanan thinks she should be happy, Mari has forgiven her after all but sometimes even when Mari is there sleeping beside her, she can't help but think she doesn't deserve the blonde girl and her forgiveness. Kanan thinks she deserves more than a slap from her best friend. She shouldn't have been forgiven that easily.

The blue-haired girl can't even forgive herself, how come Mari can so easily?

In those two years when Mari was gone, Kanan knew she changed.

On the first year Mari was gone she only goes out to go to school or to help out at the shop, she would always decline Chika's request to go see her and she somehow stopped talking to Dia. Kanan became cold to everyone who tried to talk to her. She tried to isolate herself so much that her parents- especially her grandfather, became so worried about her. They tried talking to her, telling her that it's going to be okay and that they're there but Kanan would aways just put on a smile and say that she's okay. She wasn't though of course, because every night Kanan would cry her heart out. Her heart has been filled with guilt but she still tried to tell herself that it was for Mari's own good. She tried to delude herself that Mari wanted to go but couldn't because of their idol group, she tried so hard to tell herself that she wasn't selfish, that Mari wanted this. But every night, it would dawn upon Kanan that she is _selfish_  that Mari did _not_ want this. That she was the one who ruined everything and even Dia.

She heard from Ruby that Dia hasn't been herself lately, that the brunette just suddenly _changed_.

After hearing that, Kanan felt like she was responsible, that it was her fault. Why couldn't she have think things through? Why was she so selfish that she didn't even consider Dia's feelings in all of this? Why did she convinced Dia to go through with it? Why didn't she listen to Dia when the brunette tried to reason with her?

Kanan thinks because she's  _just so selfish_ and _s_ _tupidly stubborn._

All the guilt, the pain, the hatred for herself was all too much that in the end she just became numb. The bad thoughts are _always_ there and sometimes when it's too much all the things she had been feeling would spill again and leave her a mess until the morning comes.

Go to school, help at the shop, sleep and try not to overthink and feel became her routine for the first year when Mari was gone.

By the second year,she finally accepted that there's nothing she could do anymore. Mari's gone and it's all because of her, so that's that.

Her father had an injury so she has to stop going to school for a while. She's kind of thankful because school feels so suffocating and reminded her too much of  _her._  

Her grandfather would always to talk to her, ask her how she's feeling- in which she would always lie because she doesn't want the old man to carry any more burden for her. The old man would always say that she should go talk to her friend-  _Dia._  

The blue-haired girl has been thinking about talking to the other girl again for quite some time now but she doesn't have the guts to call her or even text her after what she did.

She thinks she's such a coward.

One day Kanan decided it's time to stop being one- well at least  _try_ to stop being one.

She tried to reunite with Dia. At first the brunette was making it hard for her, Dia ignored all of her apologies from texts and calls so Kanan decided- with the help of her grandfather's persuasion to just go to Dia's house and apologize.

All this time that's what Dia had wanted from the girl, Dia had always hated the fact too that Kanan can become such a coward sometimes.

After that, things somehow got easier but Kanan knows her friendship with Dia can't go back to how it was back then but it's alright. "It's alright" she tried telling herself.

Kanan started talking and meeting with Chika again and this time a friend of hers named You would tag along with Chika everytime she visits the shop. They reminded Kanan of her and Mari. She could feel her heart twinge with pain every time she looks at the both of them smiling and laughing together. "We were like that but I ruined it" she'd think.

The days somehow got better though, the nights doesn't seem so bad anymore. Kanan hasn't thought about her blonde friend for a while.

She's going to be alright now.

Kanan thinks she's getting better but then she heard Chika talk about school idols and the familiar sound of that helicopter she last heard 2 years ago.

Kanan can feel all of the guilt and hatred come out again, she suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe, she wanted to run away, go hide for a while and just be _alone_. So many thoughts were racing on her mind at once but Chika and You's voice brought her back from her trance. 

They asked who could it be. It's been 2 years since she has uttered _that_ last name outloud, she's going to break all over again. She couldn't help but frown and feel anger well on her chest. "Why does she have to come back _now_?" she whispered to herself.

That night was the worst.

Her thoughts were raging; her insecurities, anxiety, hatred for herself are all resurfacing again. She thought she's going to be okay now but she just has to come  _back_ when everything started to somehow feel alright again.

"Of course" she then lets out a bitter laugh that is soon replaced with a silent scream.

"Is she mad? Does she hate me? Does she remember me? Why did she come back? After everything I've been through, she's going to come back in the end." Kanan thinks, a sad smile plastered on her face while fresh hot tears comes spilling out.

Thinking and crying wore her out, when she heard her alarm ring, her eyes felt so heavy and sore when she opened them.

Her body have never felt so weak, her anxiety makes her stomach swirl and her chest heavy. She wasn't able to focus at work the whole day- she's thinking all the possibilities that would happen if Mari decided to go see her.

And when Mari finally did, she did not expect that kind of greeting from her. She was surprised, relieved and at the same time angry not at Mari, never at Mari.

Kanan went to the beach that night, sat down, her knees together and just hugged herself. "She came back for school idols" she whispered to herself. She started laughing after, she thought she's finally going to lose her sanity but by the end of the night she sat there shaking and crying.

The next time they meet again, Kanan wasn't so sure why she decided to suddenly go to the blonde's room unannounced, she just finished a day of work at the shop, she's still wearing her diving suit and she's still wet.

She tells the blonde it's about the school as an excuse. It wasn't totally a lie because she wanted to know about the school's status too, the thing that pushed them to create that idol group in the first place, but if Kanan was being honest, she just wanted an excuse to go see and be near Mari again.

Kanan thinks she doesn't know but she's just denying the fact that she misses her friend.

Mari is in front of her, so warm and inviting with her arms outstretched and has the softest look on her face. Kanan wanted to run towards her and hug her but she didn't, instead she walked away.

She could hear her friend cry, the sound is making her heart ache even more but she continued to walk. Her mind was blank, her heart was hurting, she doesn't know why she did that.

"Why am I so stubborn and selfish?" was the question on her mind all night. She never wanted to hurt the blonde but Kanan still walked away when Mari was vulnerable and ready to accept her again.

Kanan didn't think she could hate herself even more.

The slap was unexpected, she didn't think Mari would do it. But it didn't hurt, she was just surprised, Kanan liked the pain it brought because she thinks she deserves it, she wanted more than a slap, she wanted a beating from her friend.

She deserved it after all the things she has done.

Although, instead of admitting her mistakes, she told Mari to just be straight forward with her feelings. "Don't make it about winning or losing" she says.

When Mari admitted that Kanan was right, the blue-haired was caught off guard, it broke her heart even more how easily the blonde can just do that while Kanan can't. When the blonde girl pointed at her cheeks, asking for a slap, so many thoughts swirled through Kanan's head but none of it was ever the thought of hurting Mari- this time Kanan finally made a right decision by opening her arms and asking for a hug. A way to tell Mari that it's all okay now and that she's sorry.

 ~~~~

"After all of that I thought things would be okay now but why do I feel it isn't?" Kanan asked herself. She swims back to the boat after realizing how late it has gotten and sailed back home.

When she got back she was surprised to see Mari sitting at the shore. The moment their eyes meet, Kanan felt as if Mari could see through her soul- it made Kanan shiver.

Kanan decided to sit down next to her friend who is now looking at the sky.

It was quiet for a while- it wasn't uncomfortable but the silence and being next to Mari made Kanan start thinking again about the things left unsaid. The blue-haired girl thinks she's unworthy to even be sitting next to the blonde not only because of Mari's status but also because of the things she has done. Kanan thinks the hug wasn't enough, she hasn't really said 'sorry' out loud. She feels anxious thinking about saying it now but her thoughts disappeared and her eyes widened when she felt a hand touch her cheek and a sweet angelic voice that she'll never get tired of hearing say "It's okay, Kanan."

Kanan turned around and saw Mari's eyes staring back at her, eyes that are so full of love and understanding. Kanan clenched her fist and shut her eyes tight- trying to steel herself and not cry in front of the girl again.

"It's okay to cry Kanan, please don't hold it in anymore."

After hearing that, Kanan was finally able to fully breakdown. The blue-haired girl buried her face on her friend's neck, wrapped her arms around her and muttered words of "I'm sorry", "Forgive me" and "It was my fault." There were no other thoughts in her head this time other than  _her._  

The blonde hugged the the girl crying on her neck so tight that Kanan thought that maybe the broken pieces in her would be put back together again.

"Every day I always make sure to tell you that it's alright, that it's okay because I know it's still hurting you, that you're thinking it's still your fault but it's not okay?" Mari said, her voice full of love for the person in her arms right now. She strokes the back of Kanan's head and continued, "I've known you since we were kids, I know when you're overthinking, I know when you're hurting, I know when you're trying to hide what you've been feeling, I honestly didn't know why I didn't realized you were doing _that_  for me back then."

Mari stopped and pushed Kanan away, she heard the other girl whine and cry harder but the blonde just chuckled. She puts her hands on the other girl's cheeks and started wiping away the tears with her thumbs. "I was just waiting for you to talk to me about everything you've been thinking and feeling but then tonight I was reminded of how stubborn you could be by Dia, she's been noticing too you know? How you always seem like your mind is somewhere else and how distant your eyes can be sometimes. Kanan please, it's okay, it's okay, I forgive you, yes you've done something wrong I acknowledge that and I know you've been thinking you don't deserve my forgiveness but Kanan I will never ever get tired of telling you that it's okay, that it's alright and that I love you over and over again until you realize that."

Mari's arms fell to her sides but as quickly as it fell it's back up again and enveloping Kanan into a hug.

"I'm so worried you're still beating yourself up over this" Kanan could hear Mari's voice tremble and she could feel her heart ache again. "I know we'll never go back to how we used to be before but that doesn't mean we couldn't start all over again after all of this mess."

"I'm sorry Mari." Kanan whispered.

It felt like a huge weight has been lifted off of her shoulders tonight.

She was starting to forgive herself slowly after that night and the thoughts are still there but the nights are now bearable. Maybe one day the thoughts would go away completely after all everytime she sees Mari now, all of those thoughts just stops and it feels as if nothing else mattered anymore.

She'll get there one day, she's going to be fine. She may not really feel whole anymore but when she's with _her_  she doesn't feel as broken.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if there was any mistake.
> 
> I hc Kanan as someone who overthinks a whole lot and especially after that has happened with her and Mari and because of that she isn't as lively as she used to be.
> 
> Im sorry Kanan, I love you tho.


End file.
